woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
