well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
