so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
