i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
