Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
