He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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