life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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