I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
