So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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