they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
