did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
