Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
