The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
sarcasm needs its own font
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
