I just threw up on my dentist
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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