dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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