Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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