If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
