i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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