There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
