I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
