You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
