i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
