I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
