i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize