we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
