his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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