Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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