Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
