If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
