OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
