All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
