Well now I have my semen on her headphones
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
