i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
