I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
