Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
