Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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