I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
