Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
