Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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