I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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