You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
