see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
