I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
