So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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