mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
