The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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