Say something about gay babies.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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