mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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