Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
