I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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