just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
