I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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