yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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